


this pain would(n't) be for evermore

by happythehardway93



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Historical, Alternate Universe - War, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Heavy Angst, See notes for information on tags, Suicidal Thoughts, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, dealing with death, evermore inspired, i am apologizing in advance, non-linear timeline
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:34:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28329813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/happythehardway93/pseuds/happythehardway93
Summary: “Say something, Rey. Anything. Please,” he begged.She swiped haphazardly at her face, her tears staining the bottom of her sleeves.“Why?” she croaked, her voice hoarse from disuse. “I told you-”“I know,” Ben muttered forlornly from his perch. “I know.”a #reyloevermore flash fic inspired by the song "evermore"
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 6
Kudos: 19
Collections: Reylo Evermore Flash Fic





	this pain would(n't) be for evermore

**Author's Note:**

> Please check the tags and the end note! This material is pretty heavy and could be potentially triggering. If I have missed any tags, please reach out and I will adjust accordingly. I tried to ensure everything was tagged but I recognize that I may not have picked up on something that should be tagged. I have no problems with adding other tags if asked.

It was a warm, late summer day. It was perfect weather, really. Not too hot, but not too cold. The best temperature to putter around the fields, preparing for the change in season without overheating. Rey’s chore list was a mile long, considering the extra tasks she had this year to prepare. But she hadn’t touched any of her chores. Not since the mail had arrived.

The breeze was light as her tears streamed silently down her face. She sat with her back against the willow tree, her heart shattered in a million pieces as she clutched the letter close to her chest.

Ben watched silently from the tree trunk a few feet away, his elbows resting on his knees, his hands clasped together. He looked sad, almost hopeless as she continued to cry. There wasn’t much he could do. The damage had already been done. 

“Say something, Rey. Anything. _Please_ ,” he begged. 

She swiped haphazardly at her face, her tears staining the bottom of her sleeves.

“Why?” she croaked, her voice hoarse from disuse. “I told you-”

“I know,” Ben muttered forlornly from his perch. “I know.”

They sat silently again, the only sound were Rey’s occasional sniffle and the trustling of the leaves. 

“What am I supposed to do now?” she whispered.

He sighed. “We talked about this. Remember, I told you-”

“That was rhetorical,” she snapped, hastily standing up from her spot. “It doesn’t matter what you have to say anymore, does it?” Nothing he could say would make anything better, no matter how badly she wished it would. 

She stormed away back to the cottage, missing the dejected words he muttered in response.

“No. I guess it doesn’t.”

* * *

_A warm arm wrapped around her waist, pulling her from her light sleep. A soft kiss was pressed to the back of her head as she snuggled into the warmth, a soft smile on her lips._

_“Good morning, sweetheart.”_

_Rey groaned, rolling her face onto her pillow. “Too tired.”_

_She heard him chuckling as he removed his arm from around her, the bed sinking slightly with his weight as he sat up. “Rey, it’s almost noon.”_

_“Don’t care,” she said, burrowing further under the covers._

_“Rey,” he said softly, rubbing her arm gently._

_Her eyes opened, the tone of his voice concerning. He was nervous, a letter clutched tightly in his hand. She sat up slowly, leaning against the headboard before he handed her the letter._

_“I think you should read this.”_

_She reviewed it carefully, her eyebrows knitting with confusion._

_“Why does this matter? It’s just a request for volunteers, it doesn’t mean-”_

_“Rey,” he said, cutting her off. “Why would I show you it if it didn’t matter?”_

_“But… you promised.”_

_He huffed, snatching the letter back. “This could be big, Rey.”_

_“But-”_

_“This war has the potential to be big. It could change the course of this county. I know this will be hard, but can’t you see? This is a huge opportunity for us.”_

_“Us? You thinking leaving me will be good for us?”_

_“Rey, I’m fighting for our future, for what’s_ right _. Can’t you see that?”_

_She sat, mouth wide, as she worked through her thoughts. “I just… I don’t see how you going off to fight for an unknown cause is considered a good opportunity. Why haven’t we heard of anything until now?”_

_“Rey, you don’t understand-”_

_“Then help me understand!”_

_He sighed frustradely, running his hand through his hair. “The First Order is fighting to keep our lands, our people, safe from invaders. I want to keep you safe, Rey. Keep what we have safe. Don’t you understand?”_

_She huffed, hopping out of bed to grab her dressing gown before leaving him alone in their bedroom. “No, I don’t.”_

***

It was a sunny fall day, the first in as many days. The morning fog had cleared away, leaving a crisp, cool feeling to the air. The leaves were a mixture of vibrant red and orange shades, the grass a bright and healthy green. The wind was picking up, not too strong, but a gentle threat of the storms to come. 

The sound of the stream was calming, the water flowing slowly down to the creek. The sun sparkled brightly against the water, bringing a soft smile to her face as she carefully, step by step, crossed the stones of the river.

“You should be careful,” Ben warned. 

She smiled softly. “I know.”

He followed closely along the edge of the stream, his hands in his pockets as he watched on. It was cute, how worried he was that she could trip and fall. But Rey had followed this path many times before She knew these stones like the back of her hand.

“What will happen when it gets too cold?”

“What do you mean?”

“The stream. The water will be too cold soon. I don’t want you to catch a cold being out here, especially if you were to fall in.”

She hummed. “I’ll think of something.”

Ever since she’d found this path in the summer, since that blasted letter had arrived, she had spent many hours tracing her steps across the stones. It was calming, in a way, to keep up this routine. Her mind cleared while she walked, her focus solely on the feeling of the stones under her feet.

“Rey. I think we should-”

“Not today, Ben.”

“You said that yesterday.”

“I know,” she said, carefully placing her foot on the next stone. It was a tricky guy. One wrong move and-

“I just think it would be good to-”

“Enough, Ben,” she barked, her foot slipping slightly. Her arms shot out, waving slightly as she caught her balance. “I said not today.”

She heard him sigh as she pulled her focus back to the stones. “Fine. But tomorrow, we need to talk.”

She gulped, trying to prevent the emotions trying to bubble up from erupting. “Tomorrow.”

“It’s always tomorrow,” he murmured dejectedly. She ignored him. Afterall, it was the truth. 

* * *

_“What is your biggest fear?”_

_“I’m not sure.”_

_“You have to have one.”_

_“Why don’t you tell me yours while I think,” he stated, his arm brushing against hers lightly as they traipsed through the forest. They were a ways from town, but Ben said it was worth it._

_“Well, not a fear I guess, but a resignation of sorts.”_

_“What do you mean?”_

_She sighed. “My parents… well… they left me when I was young. I bounced around from place to place, but nothing ever stuck.”_

_“Rey-”_

_“I never told anyone that,” she whispered. “So I guess what used to be a fear turned into a resignation. Because all I’ve ever experienced is people leaving. They always leave.”_

_He grabbed her hand, pulling her to face him. “Rey,” he said sadly. “I’m so sorry.”_

_She shrugged. “I’m used to it.”_

_He paused, his hand squeezing hers lightly as he gnawed on his bottom lip. “You asked me what my biggest fear is.”_

_She nodded. “I did.”_

_He swallowed, reaching up to tuck a stray hair behind her ear. “I fear that I won’t be enough for you.”_

_“What?”_

_“Rey, I know we haven’t known each other long, but sweetheart… you’re sunshine. You make every day better, you make_ me _better. I want to be the man worthy of you, the man who can provide you love, a home. I want to be the one to ensure that you're never lonely again. I’ll never leave you, Rey.”_

_“Ben-”_

_“But I fear that I don’t deserve you. I fear that you’ll wake up one day and realize I’m not the man for you and that-”_

_“Stop it.”_

_She watched him gulp, the corners of his eyes shining as he tried to pull away. But she wouldn’t let him, gripping his hand tighter._

_“Ben, listen to me. You_ are _worthy of love. You are worthy of_ my _love.”_

_“Rey.”_

_“I love you, Ben. And I’ll spend every day ensuring you know it and deserve it.”_

_He beamed down at her, brushing an errant tear that had escaped during her passionate plea._

_“So you accept? You’ll marry me?”_

_She giggled. “That’s all you got from that?”_

_“I’ve only been asking you every day for the past month.”_

_“I wanted to be sure!”_

_He leaned forward, placing a chaste kiss on her forehead. “I love you, sweetheart. You’ll never be alone. You’ll have me until the day I die.”_

_She sighed, basking in his warmth. “Promise?”_

_“I promise.”_

_He pulled away from their embrace. “Come on. I have something to show you still?”_

_“Oh? What might that be?”_

_He grinned. “You’ll see.”_

* * *

The floorboards creaked as she passed into the living room, stopping to stoke the fire before finding her perch in the window. Frost adorned the window, the early signs of winter on this gray November morning. She pulled the knit blanket around her shoulders before settling into the window seat, her notebook perched in her lap.

“What are you writing today?” Ben asked. He was sitting in the rocking chair by the fire, one leg crossed over his opposite knee. 

“I’m not sure yet,” she answered honestly, her pen hovering over the page. “Probably another letter.”

He hummed. “Another letter for the fire?”

She refused to answer that question. She didn’t need to start another pointless argument with him. It was exhausting. The letters were a contentious issue between them, Ben not seeing the point of them. Rey disagreed. It was her choice whether to burn them or not. So she settled into her seat, her pen hovering over her paper as she tried to channel her energy into today’s letter.

“Rey,” Ben urged. “Please talk to me.”

“Why?” she retorted.

“Because, this isn’t healthy.”

“Last I checked your opinion didn’t matter anymore.”

He visibly gulped, his hands tightening into fists as he restrained himself. “I know, but-”

A knock on the door startled them both, as their eyes turned to the intruder. Finn walked in, oblivious to the pair's stares until he looked up, locking eyes with Rey.

“Rey,” he said, mouth slightly agape. “I didn’t think you’d be up yet.”

She smiled at him as he steeled himself, moving towards the kitchen. She watched as he carefully unpacked his crate, loading the ice pack with fresh produce from the market, changing out the ice block while he was at it. He moved around effortlessly around the space, flowing seamlessly between each task before turning to her, hands tucked in his pockets.

“How are you?” he said after a moment, a slight blush in his cheeks. “I haven’t seen you… awake in a while.”

She shrugged, capping her pen before closing her notebook. She could remember the last time they spoke many, many months ago. 

“I’m… okay.”

He nodded, as if he understood. “Right. Well, um. I should be going,” he said, grabbing the crate and making his way to the door. He paused, door wide open before he closed it, turning back to Rey. He dropped the crate, kneeling down on the ground beside her.

“Rey,” he said, reaching out to grasp her hand. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

She sighed, staring out the window. 

“I’m fine, Finn.”

“Are you sure?”

She shrugged. “I think so.”

He sighed, dropping her hand as he stood up. “Remember, if you need anything, I’m here.”

“I know.”

He walked slowly to the door, grabbing the crate on his way. He stood for a moment in the open doorway, a sad expression on his face. 

“This isn’t my place. I can’t tell you how you should act, but this isn’t healthy. He wouldn’t want this for you,” he said softly, taking his leave after a moment of silence.

Because the truth was, she knew it was unhealthy. She knew it wasn’t okay to spend her days isolated from her friends, contemplating the meaning of life while she wrote notes she’d never send. She knew it was unhealthy to replay the memories of her life from before she got that life changing letter, to wonder where everything had gone wrong and how she could fix it.

“Rey,” Ben whispered, breaking her from her spiraling thoughts. “Talk to me.”

She stood up abruptly, the notebook and pen landing on the ground as she shuffled away. “I’m going back to bed.”

She heard him growl, his frustration clear. But she wasn’t ready to talk, wasn’t ready to admit anything. 

Maybe things would be better when she woke up. She could hope, at least. 

* * *

_“Have you ever thought about death?”_

_“Well, it’s inevitable, isn’t it?”_

_She hummed. “Well, yes. But I mean about what would happen if you died. Have you ever thought how it would affect those around you?”_

_He sat in silence for a moment, his face cinched in thought. His arm was draped around her as they sat on the porch, the only light from the lantern hanging from the post. It was a cool, spring night. The snow had finally melted, allowing them to enjoy the outdoors instead of being cooped up in the cabin._

_His hand tightened at her hip, his jaw working before he carefully answered. “I never thought anyone would care if I died. It’s not like I’m close with my family anymore.”_

_“I’d care,” she whispered. “I’d care a lot.”_

_He removed his arm from her waist, turning them to properly face one another. “Rey, I want you to promise me something.”_

_“Anything.”_

_“If I die first, I want you to promise you won’t mourn me for too long. Promise me that you won’t shut people out again. I couldn’t bear to think you were suffering because of me.”_

_She gaped slightly. “But… you’d be dead? How could you suffer?”_

_“Rey,” he begged. “Please. Promise me. I need to know that you’ll be okay.”_

_His eyes were beseeching, his hands gripping her shoulders slightly._

_“I promise,” she muttered, his face falling in relief. “You aren’t planning on dying on me anytime soon, are you?”_

_He chuckled, pulling her to rest against his chest. “Of course not, my love. Of course not.”_

* * *

The first snow of the season used to be her favorite. The soft sparkle of the fresh flakes signifying a new season of exploration, of time to explore. The first snowfall brought joy and happiness to her world as it dusted the land, slowing down the pace of life for a moment to reflect and enjoy. 

But it wasn’t the same. Not this year. 

As she stood in the window watching to storm pick up, she mourned the loss of its beauty. The snowflakes didn’t sparkle the same, they didn’t invoke the same feeling of hope and wonder. Instead, she found it rather cold and gloomy, a reminder of her grim reality. The beauty of the snow was lost, much like her will to fight, to survive. 

Because that blasted letter still sat on her kitchen table. A letter offering their condolences because her husband was a good man, a brave man. But he was gone, disappeared after a scrummage, with no body to be found. But they knew there was no hope, they knew he was dead.

“Rey. Please say something. Anything.”

The wind whipped around, the intensity of the snowfall picking up. She watched the flakes swirl around and around, being pulled in different directions by the storm. It was fitting, she thought, how the wind and snow raged on, two forces on their own but creating such havoc together.

“Rey.”

It was similar to her emotions, she surmised. How the argument over the past and present raged on. She couldn’t help but wonder if maybe, just maybe, if she had woken up earlier that day, if she had found the letter before he did, would he have left her? If she had fought harder for them, for _him_ , would she be standing here in their home all alone?

“Rey!”

She turned to face him, his eyes shining with unshed tears. 

“Please, love. Please don’t do this.”

“What am I supposed to do, Ben? You promised,” she said, her voice breaking off at the end as her tears began.

“I know,” he said softly. “I know.”

“I can’t do this anymore. It hurts too much.”

“I’m so, sorry, I understand, I do-”

“But you don’t! How can you?”

“Rey-”

“How can I forgive you? You went off to fight some ridiculous war where I don’t even know if you were fighting for the right side. How can I forgive you for dying and leaving me alone?”

He gulped, tears glistening in his eyes. “Rey. You promised.”

“You promised to never leave me! You said you were different from my parents, that you would be there for me.”

“Sweetheart, I-”

I should have known better,” she mumbled. “No one ever stays.”

“Rey, I’m here, I’m-”

“You’re a fucking ghost, Ben!”

He paled, his hand twitching as if he wanted to reach out. But he couldn't, because he wasn’t real. He wasn’t here anymore. 

“Rey. This isn’t healthy anymore. You can’t keep living like this.”

“Or what? Would it really be so bad to die? What do I even have to live for anymore?”

She knew it was wrong. She didn’t want to die. But it was hard not to imagine being free of this pain, this immense loss where she didn’t even know who she was or if she’d ever feel put together again. Her head felt fucked, like it wasn’t even hers anymore. But she didn’t know how to fix it, or if she even could fix it.

“Rey-”

“What’s it like? Being… dead?”

“I can’t answer that.”

“Why not?”

“Because you know why.”

“I don’t.”

He huffed. “Rey, I’m not a ghost. I’m not some guardian angel here to watch over you.”

“But… what are you?”

“You know what I am.”

She thought back on it. Ben never appeared until the letter showed up. He was there for her as she cried against the willow tree, as she paced the stepping stones, as she wrote letters she could never send him. He was there, in places he would have been if he was real. Because she imagined him there. She imagined her life without him gone, because the pain of admitting she was truly alone was worse. He was never real. 

Her breath caught in her throat, her heart rate picking up. “I made you up. You’re not real. I’m insane.”

“Rey, no, you’re hurting, you-”

“Make it stop, make it stop, make it stop!” she screamed, collapsing on the ground. “Ben, make it stop!”

“I can’t sweetheart,” he cried, crouching down to her level. “Only you can.”

“I can’t take it anymore. I need to be free of this pain.”

“Rey,” he said softly, her head popping up to meet his stare. “You know what you need to do.”

She gulped. “I don’t know if I have the strength to do it. Will you help me?” 

“Yes. Anything.”

She nodded, giving him a sad smile. “I love you, Ben.”

“I know, sweetheart. I love you, too.”

She sighed, taking in one last look before closing her eyes. She imagined the letters she never sent, the stepping stones she could walk with her eyes closed. She imagined Ben the day that he left, his sad smile as she refused his kiss. She remembered his drive to join the war, to fight for what he thought was right. She looked back on his promise to her fondly, the vow that she’d never be alone again. 

She knew what she needed to do. 

_Let go._

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: This chapter follows Rey as she deals with the news that her husband, Ben, has disappeared from his command and is assumed dead. In order to cope, Rey secludes herself on their property and imagines that Ben is there with her. She struggles with finding the will to live without him, even though he made her promise not to mourn him for too long if he were to die before her. The chapter ends with Rey deciding to vaguely "let go" which is not elaborated on in this chapter.
> 
> If you have made it this far, I am sorry and thank you for reading! Part 2 will be posted soon so you won't be waiting long. Comments are much appreciated, or please feel free to reach out on [twitter](https://twitter.com/happythehardway) if you'd like to chat there!


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